SMOKING | A Love Hate Relationship

When asked to write a love letter to something I loved and loathed equally, smoking was my obvious muse. Anyone real smoker can empathize.

LOVE

I have something ridiculous to tell you; it’s a declaration that’s long overdue. You may be disinterested in the words I’m about to write, but it’s something I must do for myself and my sanity. It i out of selfishness that I feel  compelled to tell you how much I love you, and have for so many years. Has this came to be, allow me the pleasure of explaining; Like most stories, it began with adolescent lust. I had seen you in the presence of other people before and they looked so content in your shadows. Although you just lingered in their personal space, your aura demanded attention. You seduced me. I spent year hearing opinions about you, both good and bad, but always with intensity. These conflicting views only prompted my curiosity and further intrigued me. You instigated my senses, as your ever-present existence became impossible to ignore, So with lust and desire prevailing, I gave you a chance. 

The first time we were alone together, I let you enter me, I was afraid. But the moments of letting you linger deep inside of me were enough to decide our future fate. A keeper you proved indeed, as I was left breathless and speechless. Yet before long, I found myself craving you at the most inappropriate of times. No matter where I was, whom I was with, you came into my head and dominated my thoughts. I began to realize you gave me an identity I previously lacked. As you know, it didn’t take long before my friends caught wind of our relationship, as it was destined to be revealed eventually. They asked questions at first. Satisfied with the answers, the naturally wanted to be part of ‘our’ thing. Although I didn’t consult with you, I knew it would be okay if I shared you with a group of young, attractive girls. The more the merrier, right? I guess I never really thanked you for letting us pass and drag you around like the socialite you became. I’m much more possessive of you today, but at the time I wanted to affirm and confirm my insecurities and indiscretions. I had to make sure that you appeared just as good with somebody else if I was going to continue to be with you. And so you did. The rest is history. Our relationship has matured through the years along with my cravings. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t think about you and feel a desire for your spirit to linger from within. Having travelled around the world with you as my sole companion, I’m confident in the genuine security you grant me. Wherever I am, wherever I go, no matter how distant and abroad, you’re right their. A sure thing. Your familiarity is consistent. Your the surest of sure things and I cannot imagine a day without you. The mere though of getting out bed without my best friend would be discouraging and depressing.

These words don’t warrant a reply. Nor were they documented to fuel a response. They’re merely an admiration of a love affair that’s failed oration until now. I know you’re unable to communicate with words, it’s simply not in your nature. You inherently leave people speechless.That’s your gig.  So please, just accept what I’ve confessed and know that no matter what happens, I will always be grateful for your support through the good,bad and the ugly.  You understanding and just being there when I so desperately needed somebody to vent to or just calm me down. As I sign off, I’ll conclude me final and most concise praise; Thank-you for ability to remain stable, consistent, and non-judgemental despite my shifting moods. This, my constant companion, my lover, is priceless. Even at twelve bucks a pack. 

Your one and only, 

Natt. XO

HATE:

I should have known you were no good for me from the start. My family despised you from day one. From the moment they heard I was involved with you, there endless pursuit to get my mind off you began. Yet, the more they warned to stay away, the closer I became with you and our path to self-destruction was paved together. Looking back, I should have walked away before you put me under your evil little spell. But no,  like all other things in my life, I had to find out the hard way and ended up fucking myself in the end. And as much as I’d like to blame you, I should have been more conscience of the signals you gave off from day one. 

Like the mere fact you never referred too me by my name, nor could you even recognize my hands when they help you with such security and fondness. Perhaps you found it possessive, But I thought that was all part of the compromise. Tuition in the door. When we made our first public appearance together, I thought you would somehow enhance my faltering image. You know, look cool associating myself with you and the infamous image you’ve provided for so many others. While a rare few may have approved, the important ones certainly did not. They were repulsed by my interaction with you and distanced themselves in fear your negative attributes would get the best of them. Even the second-hand nature of you’s a killer. So I was left isolated and alone, with nowhere to turn accept back to you. Like a vicious cycle the more I tried to distance myself from your addictive nature, the stronger my desire for you became. My persistent pursuit to get you out of my head and heartily induced my cravings to have, hold and consume you to the fullest extent possible. Although I constantly reminded myself you din’t care about me as a person, it became an insufficient deterrent when I sensed your underlying energy. A mere whiff of your scent made w=me want to put you in my mouth around your rim and suck for my life and the glory of your sole existence, Why I didn’t just pass you off  to another helpless victim of your is a question that still lingers and haunts my ‘you’ filled mind today.

Even, as I sit here in the present, years after our first encounter, I’m unable to loosen my grip on our relationship. I hate you, despise the wall you have out between ,e and the positive things that use to be or could be primary in my life. Like an infection, disease, you have consumed my body and soul; unable to function in my pure, natural state. I have made noble attempts to shut you out and although promising in the beginning, in the end, I’m always succumbing to my inherent need for the toxicity of you. You are my weakness, my issue, my dark side, the only addiction I cannot let go off. I lie in bed so many nights reaffirming my strength to just walk away from young never look back. then, when I’m almost asleep, on the path to freedom, you call for me and I awaken to the beckon of your cry. As soon as I rise and give you the permission to tantalize my lips, you’ll be a step ahead, already deep inside my body, working your black magic. Penetrating me with your poison and polluting my body with your evil toxins. Then, after I suk you off like there’s no tomorrow, I fall asleep your taste lingering on my tongue, in my mouth. 

I wake up some mornings perhaps wishing there was tomorrow, as I feel like a 37 year old trapped in a 90 year old body only to vaguely remember the advantage you took of me while I was drunk the night before. That’s what I loathe about you. Your ability to knock me down and corner me when I’m already in the most fragile of dark places. You lure me out into the coldest nights and then make me suffer while you get off and my frozen hands turn the shade of purple your nicotine has prescribed them. I hate you. 

I don’t expect a reply from you, nor do I want one. The damage gas been done and the only way to reverse it is to regain control of my life without you in it. So as we mark our 20 year anniversary of abuse and self-destruction, I’ve decided to continue our to celebrate by spending my hard and fast earned  twelve bucks on you. 

Thanks for Nothing,

Natt XX